It wasn’t certain to Agent James O’Neil how long he’d been tied to this chair in the middle of this giant, empty, dusty, gray warehouse. An abandoned warehouse with most of the windows being boarded up and there being a collection of scattered rusted tools spread around the space. There were a few ladders leaned against walls for no particular reason. These walls were walls of exposed insulation and wood framing. There was the slightest bit of daylight poking through one of the boarded up windows. But other than that, it was an artificially lit space with a couple construction lights and a few over hanging bulbs from up top. It definitely looked like a place you’d bring a person to torture them.
James was in a daze.
Sasha, the man responsible for tying him to the chair in the first place, reached into his nondescript black duffel bag to grab a bottle of vodka. No label or anything. He usually drank vodka when he was working. It helped him get into character.
“Why don’t you just tell me what I want to know eh?” Sasha said, speaking with his thick Russian accent. He walked confidently past James, glaring at him as he unscrewed the lid to his bottle.
James remained silent. Sasha smiled menacingly, exposing a gold canine tooth that matched his gold chain, gold pinky ring, and gold watch. He took a swig of his vodka and then placed it on the small wooden table that stood just a few feet away from James. Sasha then took a moment to adjust his pinky ring and slick back his fiery red hair. The sleeves on his white dress shirt were already rolled up but he adjusted them anyway. The silence was intense and was made even more so by Sasha’s piercing baby blue eyes locked squarely on James.
There was slight bruising and a little blood under James’s eye from some of the punishment Sasha had already dished out. He’d caught him with that damn pinky ring right under the eye and it now stung like a bitch, with sweat getting into the cut and all.
“Come on. How much more of this do you want?” Sasha said with that arrogant smile of his. “Just tell me what I want to know and this will be over.”
James considered his response, and then spit bloody phlegm at Sasha catching him right in the eye.
“Ah! Gross! Yuck!” Sasha wiped the spit from his face. It took a couple passes to clear it all. “You stupid–”
WHAM!
Sasha threw a solid right cross to the chin of James. He followed up with four more rights and lefts to punish James for his spit take.
Suddenly, the only door that led into this abandoned warehouse thundered open. A menacing looking man in a sleek black Armani suit and freshly polished black dress shoes stood in the doorway. He held a manila file folder in one hand. As for his other hand, a tightly balled up fist. His knuckles cracked as he squeezed his fist. His beard was thick but freshly trimmed. His muscles popped through his fitted suit making him look like a professional mma fighter at a pre fight press conference.
Sasha turned to see who it was coming through this door. He was momentarily startled but then quickly realized who it was. “Oh, Sven. Good.” He said.
“Still not talking?” Asked this mystery man in the Armani suit now known as Sven. His eyes never left James. His Russian accent was even thicker and scarier sounding than Sasha’s; if that were even possible.
“I don’t know what else to do, Sven!” Sasha desperately admitted. He could tell Sven was angry. “He won’t break. I’ve tried everything. I punched him… I slapped him…” Sasha took a moment to think about what else he’d tried up to that point. “Well… I guess that’s it. But I feel like I was punching the shit out of him.”
“Oh is that what that was?” James finally spoke up. Cali-boy-west-coast American accent and all. “I thought I was being pawed by a baby raccoon with polio.” He smirked after his comment. He flipped his head back to get his blonde, surfer boy, sweat drenched, hair out of his face.
Sven was not amused. “So I guess you think you are like tough guy or something?” He asked, with his own pair of unwavering and menacing baby blues that pierced right into James’s soul.
And without missing a beat, James fired back. “Who are you supposed to be, like… the shift supervisor?” James chuckled.
After a moment of silent stares, Sven let out a big belly laugh. It almost seemed disingenuous. Sasha quickly joined Sven in the laughter. James then, also joined in on the laughter assuming this was a moment they were all sharing together as men. James was laughing. Sven was laughing. Sasha was laughing. Everyone was laughing. Like a couple of old boarding school chums all having a good time reminiscing about the past. Amidst all the laughter, Sven took a step forward and in one swift motion, like a viper strike, WHAM! He punched James right in his dick.
“Oh my God!” James squealed as he hunched over in probably the worst pain of his life. “This dude actually punched me in the dick!” He finished saying, out of breath. He was practically in tears.
“Got anymore jokes?” Sven asked. He leaned in a little closer to get in James’s face, a face that was still pointed at the ground and leaking drool. “Tell us the nuclear codes.”
James, after a few moments, was finally able to work his way back up to a proper seated position in the chair. “Blow me.” He whispered in response.
Sasha took the opportunity to grab James by the back of the neck and bring him in close to his face. “Just tell us the nuclear codes you stooge! You are making this way harder than it needs to be for yourself. You can make this all stop if you just tell us what we want to know!”
Sven placed his hand on Sasha’s shoulder to ease his troubles and calm him down. “It is all right, Sasha. He doesn’t want to talk. That is his right, I suppose.”
Sasha took Sven’s cue to take a chill pill and stand down.
Sven finally decided to open up that file folder he came in the room with.
“You know,” He began to say as he flipped open the folder. “It’s funny. I got a hold of your file agent James O’Neal. I found out something very interesting about you. I found out that you are…” Sven paused and smiled. “A VEGAN!” He said viciously, through his clenched jaw and pursed lips.
James looked confused. “How could you possibly know that?”
“Are you kidding, dude?” Sven was taken aback. “It says the word vegan in here probably like 30 times. In the bio you wrote about yourself, it literally starts off with the phrase, As a vegan…”
“Oh yeah… well, I gotta make sure people have a little context about who I am and the obstacles I’ve faced.”
“It also says you were transferred a lot because your fellow agents were sick and tired of hearing about veganism every day at lunch.”
“What?” James was offended at the very thought. “Now that doesn’t make any sense. Everyone loves hearing about veganism. About all the things I can and can’t eat. About how meat is murder… MURDER!!!” He shouted self-righteously at Sasha who was now standing behind him. James continued his rant. “About how we could literally feed the world’s starving population with the grain we feed to animals. That factory farming poses the greatest harm to the environment, more so than if everyone drove Hummers–”
“All right enough!” Sven slammed the folder on the little table next to the vodka bottle. “Holy fucking crap! It is like human YouTube video talking in my face.”
“Vegan huh?” Sasha asked. “I’ve heard about you weirdos. So you don’t eat meat huh? No cheese? No milk? No honey? What the hell do you eat then?”
A light shined out of James as he perked up with utter excitement at the question. “Well!” He smiled. “Soy based products mostly. Almond milk. Cashew milk. Cashew cheese. Tofu. Kale. Wheat based chorizo. Gogi berries. Oh, and the Whole Foods smoothie bar is to die for. Literally get me a Blue Monkey smoothie and I’m all like LET’S GOOO–”
WHAM!
Another punch to the dick. This time it was from Sasha.
“Again dude! Are you fucking kidding me?”
Sven smirked. “Those balls are done, son. Good work, Sasha.”
“That’s what I should’ve been doing this entire time!” Sasha said.
“Not cool, bro…” James muttered with baited breath spitting up a little more blood.
“So… still not going to talk, vegan?” Sven growled at James, who was crumbled over in his chair still trying to recover from the second punch.
“Never.” He responded.
“That’s fine.” Sven said, through a devilish grin. “I know how to make you talk. I always have trick up my sleeve. Sasha, come with me.” Sven snapped his fingers.
The two walked off and out of the door Sven had originally entered through.
For an unknowable amount of time that felt like an hour to him, James sat in that chair in the middle of that giant, empty, dusty, gray warehouse. He was becoming restless. For that unknowable amount of time he was in the room by himself, he’d been squirming and fighting to get loose from his bondage. To no avail. Say what you will about the Russians but they sure can tie a damn good knot.
Just as James had begun to give up, or at least rethink his approach to how he might get free from this chair, the door to the abandoned warehouse thundered open and in came Sasha and Sven carrying a table with a white tablecloth draped over it to hide its contents. It looked like it could be hiding some new kind of torture device with lots of sharp pointy peaks in the sheet.
“I don’t care what you psychos do to me!” James shouted at the two men carrying this table. “I won’t tell you shit! Ya hear me! Go ahead. Give me your worst, I’m not afraid. I don’t even feel my balls anymore!”
In one motion, Sasha and Sven snatched off the tablecloth to reveal a magnificent spread on this table. A vegan’s worst nightmare. Burgers, hotdogs, deli sub sandwiches, pizza, donuts, cookies, a pie, and in the center of the table was a big honey ham on a plate lined with bacon.
“Still not gonna give us those nuclear codes?” Sven dared him.
“Uh… what… what are you gonna do with that stuff?” James was befuddled.
“Well vegan, if you continue to refuse our demands, you will be forced to eat your beloved animals.”
“You monster. You wouldn’t!”
“Oh but we would.” Sasha said, with the biggest smile.
“Last chance.” Sven added.
There was only silence from James. Confused and utter fearful silence.
“Alright. Have it your way then.” Sven grabbed a big, beautiful, greasy slice of pizza and tried to feed it to James. But James refused to open his mouth. “Oh darn.” Sven began sarcastically. “Whatever will we do now?” He snapped his fingers. “Sasha!”
And like they had choreographed it beforehand, Sasha reached over and pinched James’s nose shut to cut off any oxygen. James wasn’t one of these guys who could hold his breath for very long. Only for 7 seconds to be exact, and so on that fateful 8th second, James gasped a big breath of air allowing Sven to slam a giant slice of pizza into his mouth. The initial contact was bad. You’d swear there was cyanide in that pizza from the way James began convulsing. But as he chewed and chewed, there was a change in him. The pizza slice caused… a change in him. His face was the face of a repentant man.
An inner dialogue for James began.
My God. James thought. This… is… DELICIOUS… The flavor… the texture… the nutrients… I feel blood rushing to my brain for the first time in years… thoughts… feeling… what manner of pleasure is this? Is this what I’ve been missing out on… this ENTIRE TIME!?! Real food?? My God, what a fool I was. The years wasted… how could I have been so short sighted? Love the animals? Animal shmanimal, those little bastards are delicious!”
The expression on James’s face went from horror and agony to utter orgasmic bliss. He was in heaven as he chewed away.
“Well?” Sasha interrupted this bliss.
“Oh?” James said, truly at a loss for words. If they knew his true feelings, most certainly they would stop feeding him and that wasn’t an option at this point. “You… monsters!” He said, thinking on his feet. “Yeah that’s right. Monsters, I say. I sure hope I don’t have any more of that coming my way or I would definitely have to tell some secrets.”
“Oh is that right?” Sven smiled. He grabbed another slice of pizza to force feed James but this time, James opened his mouth wide before Sasha had a chance to even pinch his nose.
James almost ate the pizza slice whole in one bite. “Oh God the horror.” He said, as he chewed. “Yes, that's what I said. Horror! I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”
“Oh we’ll see about that.”
And then, for the next half hour, they feed him all the things. It was quite the sight to see. From one thing to the next. It was like watching a professional eating contest mixed with weird food fetish porn. James figured he’d get while the gettin’ was good, and boy was that gettin’ good. James gobbled down donuts, chicken wings, hamburgers, cookies, pie, deli sandwiches, a milkshake, the list goes on. Sven and Sasha couldn’t keep up with all James was inhaling.
James, in his excitement, accidentally bit Sasha’s hand while being fed chicken wings. This earned him a slap in the face with a hotdog.
“You bastards.” James said, among the numerous other cliched stop-I’m-being-tortured one-liners he’d throw at Sven and Sasha to keep them going.
At this rate, it wasn’t long before the Russians were out of food. Thinking on his feet, Sven ordered a pizza from the local spot just down the road and insisted they be there quickly or there would be hell to pay.
In 10 minutes, a pizza order that was originally for a hungry family of 7 arrived at the warehouse. At this point, James resembled a wood chipper for non-vegan food with Sven and Sasha being the timid lumber workers tossing whole logs into the chipper and then running for cover as he devoured it
“I noticed you have a couple milk gallons over there.” James said, after demolishing the pizza and scarfing down the last plate of chocolate chip cookies.
“Yeah?” Sasha responded.
“Only a real sick fuck would pour that milk on a poor helpless vegan such as myself.”
“You’re right.” Sasha nodded along as he considered the idea.
“That would definitely push me over my limit.”
“Yes, yes.” Sasha stupidly agreed, as he hurried over to open up the gallon of milk.
Sven watched the whole thing skeptically. He started to get a weird feeling about all of this business. He started to feel like they were being conned.
“That’s right! Just pour it on me big daddy!” James shouted excitedly, as Sasha poured the gallon of milk over his head almost like he was a rapper pouring champagne on a hoe in a music video.
And that was the final straw. Sven knew they were being conned. It all became clear to him like he was receiving a revelation from our Lord Himself.
“Okay!” Sven shouted, waving his hands to stop the whole production. “Just wait a goddamn minute.” He pointed an accusing finger right at James. “You… you like this, don’t you?”
“What??” James tried to fake it but he’d been caught red handed and he knew it. “No! Me? No, no, no, no! I hate it. I swear.”
“Yeah right you liar. Save the animals huh?” Sven scoffed at him. “Just like you Americans, to only care when it’s trendy. To be a good person until it is no longer convenient.”
“All right, fine.” James pathetically admitted. “Enough already. I get it. Leave me to my shame… and that bucket of chicken as well. Oh, and that blue cheese dip if we still have any left. Also, can we order more pizza?”
“No! No more food until we know the codes you slime!”
“What? Oh come on now that’s just cruel. Sasha you can’t let him do this!”
Sasha only responded with a look of disgust and utter disappointment.
“So no more milk showers?” James asked, whimpering.
“‘Fraid not friendo.”
“But…?” James began to tear up. “Buh… buh… that’s not fair! I knew you guys were terrorists or whatever but this is a new low. What is it? You wanna see me beg? Is that it? You wanna see me do a little dance for ya? Huh? Is this part of your sick game!”
“You know what we want.”
“Ugh… Fuck! All right, fine! The nuclear code… is just… password. All lowercase.”
“Ah! I knew it!” Sasha shouted, with frustration.
“Password?” Sven considered. “Of course, those brilliant bastards! Come now Sasha, world domination is ours!”
Sasha and Sven quickly hauled ass out of the room in excitement for the world domination that was indeed theirs, leaving poor James alone and tied up with milk slowly beginning to dry on top of his skin and in the fabric of his clothes.
“Hey wait a minute!” James shouted into this now empty warehouse. “There is still half a gallon left in that milk jug! A deals a deal you stingy fucks!”